Psychology Relationships

Loving an Extremely Unlovable Person. Is Unconditional Love Realistic?

August 21, 2021

What is love?

Love is a multi-faceted emotion. Love could be the unbreakable bond of attachment parents have to their children and vice-versa. It could be that bond of friendship you share with that person or people you know will always have your back. It could be that tight feeling you get in your chest when you think of someone you can’t stop thinking of. That special person you go to bed and wake up thinking of.

Love is hitting an achievement and wishing that person was there to share the moment with. Love is sharing. Love is caring. Love is unjudgmental but correcting. Love is the highest energy frequency on earth and the cure for hate.

Sometimes love is nothing more than a chemical reaction triggered by the brain. Think oxytocin and dopamine! I won’t go much deeper into this as I am not here to uncover the science behind the addictive emotion we call love.

My question is this, is it possible to love someone that is unlovable?

That is a heavy question considering ‘unlovable’ is relative and broad. What I might consider unlovable might be very much lovable to someone else.

Unlovable could be a person that is verbally or physically abusive. Unlovable could be a criminal or a politician (yes, there are people out there that consider them to be unlovable). Unlovable could even be a nerd. Unlovable could be an artist. Unlovable could be the employer spitting on your burger at the fast-food restaurant. Unlovable could be the janitor that won’t put up the ‘wet floor’ sign. Anyway, now that we have established that there isn’t a clear definition of who is unlovable, for the sake of the post we’ll say ‘unlovable’ is whoever ‘unlovable’ is to you.

I suppose as the author of this post I am obliged to state what or who unlovable is to me.

I am an empath and I navigate the world with and through my emotions. This makes it a lot harder for me to rule anyone out as completely ‘unlovable’. An easy pick of a person that would be a perfect archetype of unlovable is a narcissist. But even they need love too. Don’t they? That’s the empath’s dilemma. Accepting that there might be people out there that are unlovable.

I must add that I am in no way encouraging staying in an unhealthy relationship (romantic or otherwise). Empath or not, I would never accept or encourage toxicity of any kind, especially in a close relationship. However, because we live in a world where vile people aren’t afraid to up the ‘vile-ante’, I’ll give an example of a type of person my un-empathetic side could consider unlovable.

Let’s take a child molesting, serial killing, paedophile (CMSKP). It doesn’t get viler than this.

Is CMSKP lovable or unlovable?

This pushes me towards another question. Is there a difference between a person being unlovable and a person not deserving of love? If it sounds deep, it’s because It is.

Back to CMSKP. Is he or she unlovable? Theoretically and empathetically speaking, I would have to say no. Let me explain before you start throwing stones. Empaths are built to naturally see the best in everyone. It’s hard for an empath to completely rule out the possibility that inside the vilest monster is a good person needing love and nurturing. Coming from an empathetic point of view, no one is unlovable. Everyone deserves a chance to feel love and be loved. However, looking at it from a realistic -there are certain people that can’t change- point of view, I’m forced to say yes, CMSKP is unlovable and undeserving of love. Ouch!

What if I put it this way, CMSKP is unlovable but deserving of love, or CMSKP is lovable but undeserving of love. I believe there is a distinct difference between both statements.

The first sounds to me like although you are not willing to extend your love to him/her, they are still deserving of love in a general sense. Like how every human on earth is deserving of love.

The second statement sounds deeper and more personal because everyone is deserving of love. So, if everyone is deserving of love, whoever is considered to be undeserving of it is unlovable. This is why I think it’s more personal. It sounds more like an error in a person’s judgment to characterize a person undeserving of love as lovable.

Another thing I would like to add is this, love is unconditional.

This reminds me of stories of parents hugging and forgiving their children’s killers in court. It’s gut-wrenching and painful to watch but also encouraging.

Have you met someone you felt was unlovable? Was it a romantic, platonic, or even a family relationship? It’s not up to me to tell you who is lovable or unlovable but as a good citizen of Earth, I do encourage forgiveness and unconditional love.

I would like to reiterate that I am not encouraging toxicity of any sort in a relationship. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, please seek immediate help and don’t stick around because you believe love is unconditional. It is possible to unconditionally love a person from a distance.

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